


take me in, then throw out my heart and get a new one

by thekaidonovskys



Series: Becoming Three [3]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Discussion of Faith, Existing Injury, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Multi, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Suicide Attempt, Polyamory, Relationship Negotiation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-10 15:30:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2030385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekaidonovskys/pseuds/thekaidonovskys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s a lot to learn in any new relationship, let alone a triad.</p>
<p>Tendo’s not the only survivor either. They’ve all got their battles, and they need to learn how to conquer them and help each other.</p>
<p>They do it together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	take me in, then throw out my heart and get a new one

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted by Tumblr user thekaidonovskys

There’s a lot to learn in any new relationship, let alone a triad.

Tendo’s not the only survivor either. They’ve all got their battles, and they need to learn how to conquer them and help each other.

They do it together.

***

Newt comes home late and in a foul mood, swearing under his breath as he throws his bag on a chair and storms off into the bedroom. There’s the sound of closet doors slamming and then a steady muttering of curses and frustration. 

Tendo, alarmed, looks to Hermann who looks concerned. But not, as it turns out, for Newt. “Okay, this is something you haven’t seen,” he murmurs. “Newton often gets himself worked up when he can’t quite get one of his experiments working right and he sometimes comes home and needs to get it out of his system. But it involves a lot of yelling and anger and pacing about, and if it’s too much for you I’m going to need to know now so I can head him off and provoke him into yelling at me instead.”

“Is he gonna yell at me?”

“Oh, no, never at anybody unless, as I said, I force it to be that way. It’ll just be a lot of angry noise.”

Tendo nods. “Then let him. You two have worked with me through all of my struggles and needs so far, I can’t neglect yours.”

Hermann kisses him quickly. “If it does become too much, head into the bedroom and I’ll get him outside to cool off.”

“I think I’ll be okay.”

And he is okay. He watches, in silence with Hermann holding his hand, as Newt bemoans his research and the world and his  _fucking brain_ at top volume until he wears himself out. He watches as Newt, all the anger finally gone, turns to them, and Tendo sees the immediate panic when he realises. “Oh  _fuck_ ,” he says. “I didn’t even think -“

“I warned him and gave him outs,” Hermann says immediately. “He chose to stay.”

“Of course I did,” Tendo says. “If you’re struggling or upset, I’m going to be here. I’m not gonna run away just because I’m still a bit… flinch-y at times.”

“I just -“ Newt shakes his head. “I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”

Tendo’s across the room and in his arms in a second. “Never going to happen,” he promises. “I know you’re not a violent man, just like I know you get worked up sometimes, and if you have to yell to get it out then I’m not going to ask you to change that. The first time you yell  _at_ me, though, I’m probably gonna be out the door.”

“The first time I yell at you  _I’ll_  be the one out the door and I won’t be back until I’ve earned your forgiveness. We don’t work that way.” 

Newt sighs, then kisses his cheek. He has to go on the balls of his feet to do it and Tendo smiles. “You’re so tiny,” he teases gently. “It’s cute.”

“Hermann, he’s making fun of me again,” Newt whines. “I should’ve known - I score another partner and he picks on me  _too._ ”

Hermann laughs. “I’m sorry, darling, but you are on the adorable side. Both of you are.”

“You’re like an  _inch_ taller than me,” Tendo protests. “You don’t get to call me adorable.”

“I certainly do.”

“Yeah, okay, you do.”

***

Since Newt already does the coffee run in the mornings for Hermann, he has no problem with doing the same for Tendo as well. 

Except Tendo likes to help, so when Newt slides himself out of bed and into the kitchen, Tendo nearly always follows. He wraps himself around Newt while the coffee machine’s at work, rests his chin on Newt’s shoulder and enjoys the early morning sleepy contentment, and it’s their thing, one of the little routines that have started appearing that he loves.

He follows Newt back to the bedroom, his own mug in his hands, and watches the rest of the ritual unfold. “Hermann,” Newt says gently, putting the mug on the table next to him. “Time to wake up.”

At this point, the routine is always the same. Hermann grumbles under his breath, calls Newt all manner of names, then finally wakes himself up enough to drink the coffee and become coherent. 

Except today it changes. Hermann shifts a little, then his eyes suddenly shoot open and he makes a tiny noise of pain. “No,” he says after a moment. 

Newt clearly knows what’s going on. “Do I need to call your specialist?”

“No, no, it’s not that bad.”

“Can you move?”

“I’m sure I  _could_ , but -“

“Too much. Okay. Alright, painkillers, heat pack… Tendo, could you -“

“On it,” Tendo says, already halfway to the bathroom because he knows what this is, but a little shaky because this is the first time he’s seen it. He gets Hermann’s high-strength painkillers, tucked away for the days like these, and a heat pack, and returns. He gives it all to Newt, then hovers at the end of the bed. “Anything else?”

But Newt’s a well-oiled machine when it comes to this, and it’s only a matter of moments before he’s gotten Hermann to take the painkillers then settled him back in, pillows around his bad leg and heat pack in place. “Okay?” he asks Hermann.

“As okay as it will be. Thank you, my dears.”

“ _Aw_ , you’ve got a joint pet name for us,” Newt says, grinning. He kisses Hermann’s forehead, then stands. “I’m gonna go get dressed. Tendo can play nursemaid for now.”

Hermann rolls his eyes. “I’m not an invalid.”

Newt winks at Tendo as he grabs his clothes and heads for the bathroom - because they’re not quite there yet, at least Tendo isn’t, and Tendo appreciates the gesture. “But surely you wouldn’t deprive Tendo of an excuse to worry over you,” he says and leaves the room. 

“He’s right, though,” Tendo says as he looks back at Hermann. “Is there anything I can - I mean, you’re alright? Not  _alright_ but -“

“Don’t you look at me with those big worried eyes,” Hermann says, smiling softly. “I’m okay. Really.”

Tendo crouches next to him and brushes the hair off his forehead. “I don’t like it when one of the people I love is in pain,” he says. 

Hermann’s smile grows even softer. “It’s only this bad a couple of times a year -“

“Sometimes it’s worse,” Newt calls from the bathroom.

“Newton, I am trying to  _reassure_ him!”

“So am I! I’m saying this isn’t as bad as it could be!”

“Impossible,” Hermann mutters under his breath, then takes Tendo’s hand and kisses the back of it. “Go get ready for work, sweetheart. I’ll be okay.”

“What, and just leave you here on your own?”

“The painkillers knock me out,” Hermann says, and now that he mentions it he does look a bit less awake. “I sleep until mid-afternoon, then I call when I wake up and let you two know how I am.”

“I don’t like it.”

“Neither do I,” Newt says, returning to the bedroom. “But it’s Hermann’s rules when it comes to his leg, and we respect that.”

Tendo understands that, and nods. “Okay.”

He takes his turn to go and get dressed, then returns to drink his coffee. Newt’s flitting around as he always does, putting things within easy reach so Hermann doesn’t have to get up, and Tendo watches for a moment before deciding to go ahead and do what he wants to, which is to curl himself back around Hermann’s good side. Hermann’s now half asleep, but he still smiles. “I’m glad they couldn’t steal your affection,” he murmurs.

And Tendo knows these are the things Hermann wouldn’t normally say, but definitely means. “Me too,” he says quietly. “Sleep well, okay? I love you.”

He stays for a few minutes, keeping nice and still as Hermann’s breathing evens out and he goes back to sleep, then reluctantly disentangles himself and gets back up. Newt’s finished getting everything ready and hands Tendo his coffee mug, smiling. “I know how you feel,” he says. “You just kind of want to stay there with him all day.”

“He won’t wake up?”

“Not for hours, and hopefully when he does he’ll be feeling a lot better. And if he’s not, he’ll be honest about it, and we’ll come home.”

“Good. It’s strange taking care of him for a change.”

Newt smiles and takes Tendo’s hand as they leave the bedroom. “I know. He’s always the one in control, and I definitely don’t like him being in pain but at the same time it’s good for him to give it up once in awhile.”

“Yeah. And I know you said there’s no such thing as repayment but it’s nice to be able to return some of the care you two have given to me.”

“You do that every day,  _querido._ Just by being here.”

And Tendo’s definitely got to kiss him for that. 

***

Tendo often takes his lunch breaks down in Newt and Hermann’s lab. He’s been welcomed easily and happily by the rest of their coworkers, especially Mary. The guys are kind to him without being too overwhelming - because they’re big guys, especially James, but they know not to get in his space or take it personally if he gets startled by them. And of course Hermann and Newt enjoy having him there.

Today they’re all talking Drifting, something Tendo can join in with easily and avidly. He knows how all the technology works, and is currently trying to explain the differences in neural transfer in a three-way connection opposed to a standard double transfer. “I mean, the Wei triplets were brilliant,” he says. “But that doesn’t mean their Jaeger was more powerful, and with three minds you’ve got three times the chance of chasing the rabbit or a disconnection. And the readings were entirely incomprehensible if you tried to look at it based on a standard reading. That’s why Hermann had to recode their Jaeger completely. It’s a whole different way of transferring information.”

“See, we don’t have a triple transfer on record,” Carlos says. “And the next of kin for the Wei triplets won’t hand it over, which is completely understandable but leaves us struggling to get to the next stage of our research.”

“Have you tried other sets of triplets that might be Drift compatible and willing?”

“There are so few sets left, and so far we’ve had no takers.”

“So you need to find three Drift compatible people who are willing to let others into their minds,” Tendo completes. “That’s why triples are so rare. Because at least with two-way Drifts, you can get couples or close siblings, but it’s hard to find that third person who they’ll let in.”

James suddenly snaps his fingers. “We need a poly.”

And Tendo gets a sinking feeling when James stares right at him. 

“Even then you can’t be certain of Drift compatibility,” Mary argues. 

“Well, we’ve got two thirds of a triad here who we know are compatible,” James says, still watching Tendo. “We’ve got their data on file as well so we know their patterns. So if Tendo joined them and he were Drift compatible -“

“Absolutely  _not_.”

Everybody goes quiet, and Hermann and Newt are looking at Tendo, who realizes he’s probably spoken a bit loud. He stands by it, though. “Tendo?” Newt asks. “Why - I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to, but -“

“It’d just be for research,” James adds. “We definitely wouldn’t ask anything of you -“

Tendo laughs. It’s hysterical around the edges. “You wouldn’t ask anything of  _me,_ oh no, not at all. You’d just ask me to open my mind to both of my partners and throw everything in there at them, with no way for them to choose what to see or not. You’d just ask me to make my partners witness my  _rape_ and  _suicide attempt._ And I don’t care what the reason is, I don’t care if the world’s ending  _tomorrow_ \- I would never make them do that. Ever.”

Absolute silence, then Newt’s voice; “Everybody out. Now.”

The lab empties fast and then it’s just the three of them. Tendo’s staring at his hands, the first prickles of fear washing over him, and then each one is taken into the hands of another. “Are you with us, sweetheart?” Hermann asks.

Tendo nods. “I’m okay.”

“You’re not panicking,” Newt says, squeezing his hand. “That’s good, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, just - I feel pretty shitty about that. I could have made that point in a much better way or - or not said it at all, it’s not his job to think of things like that, it’s not - and I don’t want people to just think of me as a rape survivor because I’m way more than that, so I should be glad that he didn’t think of it.” Tendo sighs and closes his eyes. “Why am I such a fuckup?”

“Don’t you  _dare_ -“ Newt and Hermann both begin, in unison and in the same tone, then stop.

Tendo  _has_ to laugh at that. “I know it’s a proper telling off when you’re in sync,” he teases, looking up at them again. “And I know, you’re right, I’m still - still trying. But I’m sorry about that and I’m gonna go apologize to James as well.”

“Can you wait a minute?” Hermann asks.

Tendo sighs. “Yeah, okay, knew I wasn’t getting out of that one. If you want me to try and Drift -“

“That’s  _definitely_ not what this is about. We are not going to ask you to Drift, Tendo - rather, we wanted to confirm that it’s not going to happen.”

“Really?”

“Really,” Newt says. “I’m not sure where Hermann is on this, but all I can say for me is that if you wanted to Drift or wanted us to - to experience those memories, I’d do it for you. But if there’s a choice, I’d say no, because if I saw firsthand what had happened to you I’d then end up being arrested for homicide once I tracked them down.”

“Like you said, you are far more than your past,” Hermann adds. “I’m with Newton - if you ever asked, I would do it, but I’m afraid my selfish desires to never witness the pain you endured would win. It would break my heart completely.”

“You’ve both already endured enough of my pain,” Tendo says, squeezing their hands. “I couldn’t live with myself if I gave you more. And to know that you had seen it - I would always be afraid that the way you saw me had changed. No Drifting?”

“No Drifting.”

“Good.” Tendo kisses each of them in turn, then gently takes his hands back and stands. “I’ll go talk to James, then I’d better get back to work. See you tonight?”

He makes it to the door before he’s called back, and he turns to see his partners watching him curiously. “Not to - I mean, it’s wonderful that you’re calm and okay but… we thought that more than anything would have set off a panic attack.”

Tendo shrugs. “I guess I’m having a lot more good days,” he says.

Their smiles at that stay with him through the rest of the afternoon. 

***

_Honesty,_ Tendo reminds himself as he walks into the kitchen.  _Always honesty._

They look up briefly when he enters, then return to their work. That’s normal, completely normal, it’s what they all do when they’re hard at work but still want to acknowledge someone - except this isn’t a normal interaction and Newt’s the one who sees it, who does the double take and looks back up at him. “Tendo?” he asks, and that gets Hermann’s attention. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I’m…” and he wants to beat around the bush, to try and cushion it and make it seem less important and insignificant, but  _honesty_ is beating in the back of his mind. “I’m feeling a bit left out,” he finally admits. 

Both the laptop lids go down immediately. 

“I know it’s work,” he adds hesitantly. “I know you’re not doing it intentionally but - but you work together all day and then you’ve been coming home every night this week and working together and I just -“ he shrugs, looks down at his hands. “I can live with it, but this is one of those things we said we’d always talk about if it came up so…”

“Thank you,” Hermann says softly. “You’re right, sweetheart, of course you are. We might have difficult projects at the moment but that’s no excuse - work needs to stay at work. Home is for us.”

Newt’s already out his chair, wrapping himself around Tendo. He doesn’t say anything, leaves the words to Hermann, but everything about his body language tells Tendo that he’s sorry. “That’s a bit far,” Tendo argues, stroking Newt’s hair. “I bring work home too some nights. I think we need to set some ground rules on it, though - no more than three nights a week?”

Hermann nods. “That sounds very sensible. And perhaps no more than two in a row?”

“Yeah, that’s probably best.”

Newt lifts his head. “Unless it’s Class A, absolute priority,” he points out. “Because sometimes that can’t be helped.”

“Of course. And you guys can keep going tonight, it’s okay -“

“No, no way,” Newt argues. “At least I’m not, mine can wait until tomorrow. Hermann?”

Hermann hesitates. “Can you give me twenty minutes?”

“I think I can amuse Tendo until then.”

“Is this the good kind of ‘amusing’ me where we cuddle on the couch, or the bad kind where you try to win me over  _once again_ to  _Revenge of the Sith_?”

“You just have no taste.”

“I’m perfectly okay with that.”

Newt sighs exaggeratedly and follows him through to the living room. “Then I  _suppose_ I’ll have to settle for Option A.”

“Music to my ears,” Tendo says, and tugs him down onto the couch.

***

Tendo is by far the emotional one in the relationship. That’s pretty much a no-brainer.

Newt’s cried a good handful of times that Tendo’s seen, and Tendo knows what to do and how to help. Hermann’s excellent at drawing out the problem and helping Newt come to terms with it, but Tendo’s better at making him smile again. They play to their strengths. 

But Hermann…

Hermann’s  _never_ cried, at least not in front of Tendo. 

He asks Newt about it one afternoon when they’re out walking. They both get a little stir-crazy sometimes, while Hermann can work for hours straight, so they often go for walks together and talk about things and Tendo’s been dwelling on this particular thing for a little bit. When he asks, Newt just smiles sadly. “Hermann tears up a lot over things, but if you’re talking actual proper crying, then it’s very rare. And when it happens, it’s fucking awful and it’s because something’s seriously wrong. I’ve only seen him crying like that a few times.”

“What about?”

“The day his father officially disowned him - because he hates the bastard but he’s still his  _father._ Then the night after we closed the breach, I went looking for him and found him sobbing his heart out in the lab. He was closer to the Kaidanovsky’s than anybody realised, and it was the first time he’d gotten to grieve. That time I just sat down and cried with him because, well.”

Tendo understands that - too many people had partied that night away without thinking of those crippled with grief. He had been one of the ones mourning too. “Any others?”

“Mm. Once more that I can remember. It was… no getting upset, okay?”

“Okay?”

“After we came to Sydney, that first day we saw you, I did a lot of crying on his shoulder, and I made him be strong for me but I forgot that I wasn’t the only one who cared. He cried himself to sleep that night and there was nothing I could do.”

And there’s nothing Tendo can say to that, so they keep walking, arm in arm, back to the facility. 

So now Tendo knows. But there’s a big difference between knowing and being prepared and he sure as fuck isn’t prepared for the day Hermann suddenly closes his laptop lid, sets it carefully aside, and begins to cry. 

“Hermann?” he asks, very very quietly after a few moments of silent staring. “What - what is it?”

Hermann shakes his head and closes his eyes. He’s breathing very carefully.

And Tendo realizes that the question he probably should have asked Newt is what to  _do_ when Hermann cries. For now, he can only go with his instincts, and carefully puts his hand on Hermann’s shoulder. “Whatever it is, it’s okay,” he murmurs, the words pathetic but all he has available. “It’ll be okay, but if you need to let it out then… I’m here. I love you.”

Hermann whimpers, then turns and buries his head in Tendo’s shoulder, arms around his waist. Tendo holds him tight and rubs his back and really doesn’t know what to do, but he tries to remember how Hermann comforts him when he’s upset and goes with that. So he murmurs meaningless platitudes and reminds Hermann that he loves him and that Newt loves him and that it’ll be okay even though he can’t know that when he doesn’t know what  _it_ is, but he knows it’s about the tone, about keeping Hermann together. 

“I’m sorry,” Hermann manages after awhile. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t -“

“Shh,” Tendo murmurs. “You do whatever you need to, and I’m going to take care of you.” And there’s more he wants to say, more he’s  _afraid_ to say, but he’s been dwelling this over for awhile now and with Hermann at his most vulnerable and Tendo’s heart quietly breaking, he decides it’s time. “It’s - it’s okay,  _mein Schatz,_ ” he whispers. “It’s gonna be okay.”

He feels Hermann go still. Then he sniffs and pulls away, wiping his eyes so he can look at Tendo properly. His eyes are red and bloodshot and it makes Tendo’s heart ache even more. “How long have you been holding that one back?” he asks, his voice worn but amused. 

Tendo smiles. “Too long.”

“I’d say so.” He takes a couple of deep breaths, wipes his eyes again and then nods. “I think I’m okay now.”

“Good. You’re not allowed to apologize anymore.”

Hermann, who looks as if he was gearing up to do just that, stops. “I suppose that’s fair,” he says after a moment. “I won’t let you or Newton apologize for crying, I can’t be hypocritical.”

Tendo smiles again, then lifts one hand to rub the back of Hermann’s neck, remembering how it calmed him. Sure enough, it relaxes Hermann further, enough that Tendo feels okay asking some questions. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“What time is it?”

Tendo frowns at that, but checks. “Four-thirty. Why?”

“Newton said four-thirty at the latest. He should be home in a few minutes and I’d rather only have to share once.”

“Okay. Is there anything I can do until then?”

“Exactly what you’re doing now.”

So he keeps doing it, and Hermann closes his eyes and looks far beyond his years and thankfully Newt does only take a few minutes to arrive. Tendo looks up at him when he enters and sees Newt take in the situation at a glance, sees the worry and fear hit him immediately. “Is this as bad as I think it is?” he asks, then winces when Hermann opens his eyes and looks at him. “Oh god, we’ve got tears from Hermann. Is it the second apocalypse?”

Hermann rolls his eyes. “Come and sit down, love.”

Newt does and Hermann turns so Newt can curl around his side, Tendo still keeping a tight hold on him. “What happened?” Newt asks quietly, all levity gone. 

Hermann sighs. “It’s my… my - no, I’m sorry.  _Meine Großmutter ist gestorben._ ”

“Oh, honey,” Newt murmurs. “I’m so sorry. Just - I just need to translate for Tendo.” Hermann nods and Newt looks over to him. “His grandmother,” he murmurs. “She’s just died.”

Tendo closes his eyes and presses closer to Hermann, knowing that there are no words. Hermann sighs again, shakily. “We hadn’t spoken in many years,” he says, his voice quiet. “She sided with my father in cutting me out of their lives, especially when she learned of Newton, and would have hated you too, Tendo. But when I was a child, she was very good to me and it’s that woman I needed to grieve for. I’ll be okay now.”

“You don’t have to be, though,” Newt reminds him. “Whatever you feel is okay and natural. I know your relationship was strained but you’re still allowed to be sad.”

Hermann nods, then gently extricates himself from them and stands. “Back in a moment.”

He goes through to the bathroom and Tendo looks at Newt, who gives him a sad smile. “And there’s your introduction to an upset Hermann,” he murmurs. “It’s awful, isn’t it?”

“Horrible,” Tendo agrees. “But I wonder - he’s not suppressing it, is he? Because it is his grandmother… I know it wasn’t a great relationship but I thought he would’ve cried a lot more than he did.”

Newt nods. “See, this is why he told us in German. When he said it was his  _Großmutter_ , I knew it wasn’t going to be too bad, because that’s the High German - the formal term. If he had said it was his  _oma_ , then I would’ve been a lot more worried, because that’s a lot more colloquial and meaningful. I think Hermann’s grieving much more for the relationship that could have been than the woman herself.”

“Astute as always,” Hermann says and they both start guiltily. “It’s alright,” he adds, smiling a little as he comes back to sit down between them. “I can’t very well say something in a language only one of my partners understands and then expect that you won’t discuss it. And I do apologise for that, Tendo. As Newton says, it was the significance of the word that I needed, but I still shouldn’t have cut you out.”

“It’s okay, don’t even worry about it. Do what you have to do - and besides, you’re left out any time Newt wants to practice his Spanish… hey, do you have any other languages? We might have a common one that we can talk about Newt behind his back in.”

Newt rolls his eyes, but Hermann smiles, which was Tendo’s intention. “I’m fluent in English, German, Italian, Welsh and French, with conversational level of Vietnamese and Polish. And minimal comprehension of Ukranian, Hungarian, and a small level of Swedish.”

“Good  _god_.”

“He’s brilliant, isn’t he?” Newt says, smiling fondly at Hermann. 

Hermann just shrugs. “Most language learning is like a mathematical formula. Put the words in the right order and it becomes quite simple.”

“If you say so,” Tendo says, shaking his head. “And I thought I was good with my four.”

“Hey, it’s better than my three,” Newt points out. “Though I’m lucky enough to share fluency in all of them with both of you. What are your other two?”

“Mandarin and Russian.”

“I knew I’d left something off my list,” Hermann says. “And of course I knew you spoke Russian, we spoke with the Kaidanovsky’s together when they first came to the Shatterdome.”

“You’re right, of course we did, I’d forgotten that.” Tendo smiles at him and Hermann returns it. “So there we go, we’ve got a common secondary language as well. How’d you end up learning Welsh, though? There are _no_ vowels.”

And Hermann’s off, explaining the linguistic properties of the language and different techniques needed to understand it. Newt smiles at Tendo and mouths  _well done_ , before putting his arm back around Hermann’s shoulders. Tendo lifts his free hand - the other on Hermann’s knee - and links it with Newt’s, and they sit and listen and let Hermann distract himself into forgetting. 

***

Tendo’s not the only one who has panic attacks.

Newt likes to class his as anxiety attacks, though really the words are interchangeable, but that’s just because he likes to take everything to do with his anxiety altogether and stick it a box somewhere else until he absolutely has to confront it. He takes his meds and doesn’t talk about it - in fact, the only time Tendo’s known anything of it was when Newt sat him down early into the relationship and let him know, because it was only fair that he was told. 

Tendo isn’t even sure when Newt’s last anxiety attack was, but Hermann’s answer of  _a long time ago_ is enough for him. At least it means they’re not frequent, unlike his own. 

In fact, he just about forgets about it until one day when Mary hurries into his station and approaches his supervisor, who exchanges quick words with her then nods. Tendo’s working with the manipulator, but quickly switches it off when he sees Mary head over to him. “Is something wrong?” he asks.

“Hermann sent me,” she says, a little out of breath. “Newt’s having an anxiety attack. He wants you to know that there’s no pressure to come down and he understands if you don’t want to or can’t face it, but -“

“Of course I’m coming,” Tendo says quickly, already following her out. “Is he - do you know how bad it is?”

“I don’t know what triggered it but when I left he was unresponsive, so it’s probably going to be a long one.”

“How long is long?”

They’ve reached the lifts and Mary frowns at him as they wait. “You haven’t seen one before?”

“Not one of Newt’s, no.”

“Well, it depends how quickly Hermann can get a response out of him. I’ve seen them last up to twenty minutes before.”

Tendo winces. “That’s… I’ve never had one that long.”

“No, from what I’ve seen, yours are short and sharp, while Newt’s are probably less intense but a lot more drawn out. You sure you’re going to be okay to see this?”

“They’ve seen all of mine,” Tendo says simply.

They take the lift in silence, and then Tendo forces himself to walk calmly into the lab, not wanting to add any sudden movements or noise. Hermann looks up from where he’s crouched in front of Newt, and gives him a small smile. “I was pretty sure you’d come.”

“Of course.” 

Tendo joins him and looks at Newt carefully. Newt’s curled up into himself, chin resting on his knees. His eyes are glazed and unfocused, his breaths short and sharp but not quite hyperventilating. “He’s unresponsive,” Hermann explains. “Six minutes so far, and if it hits ten then I contact medical. But I don’t think it’ll be too much longer, he’s already breathing easier.”

“What happened? I mean, I know he’s been on edge for a few days -“

“He just went over,” Hermann says with a nod. “It happens, and often he doesn’t even know why. This time I presume it has to do with some of the research he’s waiting on other departments from, and the fact that he can’t keep working without it. Newton hates being at a standstill, it makes him fearful, and then it takes the smallest of things. He shattered a beaker, gave himself a fright and it tipped him over the edge.”

Tendo nods. “Thanks for getting me,” he says after a moment. “I mean - for not thinking I wouldn’t be capable.”

“That’s a decision I’m always going to leave up to you, sweetheart. I wouldn’t dare to presume -“ Hermann breaks off as Newt suddenly takes a deep breath, then exhales shakily, blinking a few times. “It’s okay, love,” Hermann murmurs. “Just breathe, you’re okay.”

“Hurts.”

Hermann takes his hands. “I know, darling,” he soothes. “It’ll be better soon, you know that.”

“Is he okay with being touched, then?” Tendo asks. 

“Make the movement obvious and it’ll be okay.”

Tendo nods, then shifts forward enough that he can put one hand on Newt’s shoulder. The other he slowly puts on his chest, then rubs the heel of his palm gently along his sternum. He feels the change almost immediately, feels Newt slow down and take note and begin timing his breathing to the motion of his hand. “There you go, beautiful,” he murmurs. “Nice and slow.”

It doesn’t take too long after that, and Tendo’s familiar with this bit, with coming down and coming back to reality. Newt’s eyes refocus and his breathing steadies out and finally he lifts a hand and catches Tendo’s, drawing it away from his chest and interlacing it with his own. “Thanks,” he says quietly. “That helped.”

Tendo squeezes his hand, then shifts away enough that Hermann can take over because this is the part that Hermann always does well and, having two panic attack prone partners, is clearly going to be the best at. Hermann checks his pulse, makes sure Newt knows what’s happening and where he is, and then sits back against the wall next to him, Tendo doing the same. “Okay now, love?” he asks.

Newt nods. “Knew it was coming - hoped I could edge it off until tonight though. What’d I break?”

“Just a beaker, nothing important. Anything you need to talk about?”

“Nu-uh. Feeling a lot better.”

“That’s what I like to hear.”

Newt turns to kiss him, and Tendo smiles. Then Newt’s looking at him, curiosity in his eyes. “How’d you know that would help?” he asks.

“I might not have seen any of your anxiety attacks before now, but I have seen you stressed. I know you need a constant to calm you down, and since you were struggling to breathe I thought it might help you relax.”

“It really did. But nobody’s ever done it to you or anything?”

“The people in this building are the only ones who have ever seen my panic attacks, and their primary goal is to find one of you. So, no.”

“Would you like it?”

Tendo shrugs. “I suspect not. It’s different - I flinch.”

He doesn’t need to say more than that. He doesn’t want to either - this one isn’t about him. 

They end up sitting on the floor for a good twenty minutes, and in the end Tendo has to help them both up because Newt’s still a little shaky and Hermann’s leg is protesting the rough treatment. He gets them to the couch, makes them each a cup of tea, then leaves with the promise to return at lunchtime unless they need him earlier. 

It’s nice being the one in control for a change. 

***

But those are just snapshots. 

They don’t take into account everything in between. They don’t take into account what’s normal, what a day is like when the early morning coffee routine does stay the same, when Tendo comes down for lunch and chats freely and easily with Hermann and Newt’s coworkers, when Newt gets his experiments running right and Hermann doesn’t get any bad emails and nobody has to bring any work home and there are no panic attacks in sight. 

Because most days, that’s how it is. Most days are simple and comfortable and effortless. 

***

“Tendo?” Hermann asks gently one night. “I’ve never asked - are you Catholic?”

Tendo looks down at his rosary, looped around his wrist as always. “No,” he says, gently toying with it, running the beads through his fingers. “I always said I wore it in case all else fails, but it’s become more than that. It’s still not about a god figure, but everybody believes in something and I believe in… belief. In faith, in trust, in hope. But for a long time it was only in concepts.”

“Do you pray on it?”

“Not anymore. I did during the war, but even then it wasn’t… did I believe that if I prayed the rosary, I would be saved? No, not really. I didn’t have a belief in anything saving me apart from our team, the pilots and you two and Pentacost. But if I ran it through my fingers enough, I believed that I  _could_  believe just about anything.”

Newt comes to join them then, sitting on Tendo’s other side. “What do you believe in now?”

Tendo considers that for awhile. “Three things,” he says. “And they’re all in this room.”

He looks at Hermann first - and not because Hermann means any more to him than Newt does, but because his head has to turn one way before the other and he knows neither man cares which comes first. “I believe in your control,” he says. “I believe that you will pick me up when I fall, that you will be unwavering and unchanging and always here. I believe in the constant of your love.”

Hermann smiles, but all his emotion is in his eyes. He cups Tendo’s jaw, then kisses him softly. 

Then Tendo turns to Newt. “I believe in your vibrance,” he says. “I believe in your spirit, your enthusiasm, your addictiveness, that you will always be alive and bring that life to the relationship. I believe in the passion of your love.”

When Newt kisses him, it’s harder and a little more possessive, and that’s exactly who Newt is. 

“And the last thing?” Hermann asks.

“Me. Because I’m here, and because I can sit around and pray to gods that may not exist, or put my faith in machines of metal and the powers of Drift technology… but at the end of the day, I’m the reason I’m here. I have to have faith in myself above all things.”

Hermann and Newt both draw close in response and Tendo puts his arms around them and smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> Title still from "Starry Eyed".


End file.
